Tonight is my first night without my butter cookie, Alex.
Sad face :(

He'll be home soon and will be able to pet his kitties and go out with his friends.
But I'll stay here... sad day.
I've been trying not to cry. Trying to show everyone that I can be strong. But it's so hard.


I love you, butter cookie.
My kokoreecha x)

And I'll never forgive you for taking Loco Roco away from me xP

That's me trying panties at the Hope store two days ago...
Too fat to fit them lol

> Click here to listen <

(I'm too lazy to translate it >_< )
This song reminds me of my mom, somehow....

Kaze wa minami kaze ga suki yo
Suteki na hito no ashioto ga kikoeru
Ame wa konu ka ame ga suki yo
Kasa nado sasazu machinaka wo aruku no
Sou yo tawai mo nai dekigoto ga
Watashi ni wa totemo ii hitotoki

Sora wa aki no iro ga suki yo
Aisuru hito no kuchibue ga kikoeru
Yume wa amai yume ga suki yo
Hitori de aruku shiawase ga tada you
Sou yo tawai mo nai dekigoto ga
Watashi ni wa totemo ii hitotoki

I actually didn’t think I would feel this way right now.

I spent almost a day and a half with my best friend, the only one I can really call a best friend. Ten years of friendship. The best friend I’ve ever had.

These last hours were so nostalgic. I am crying as I write this …..

You know, all those years that we lived thinking nothing would stop us, that we would never be apart. The plans we made, thinking that we would always be together.

Our little life… our music lessons…

All the little gifts, films, laughs…afternoons and nights spent so mindlessly. We never really thought life would take a different course.

I remember everything. Since we were kids.

But now, I don’t know… sometimes I feel you further than what you’ve ever been! Even when I was living in Moscow, the distance between us didn’t seem this big.

Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know… but I do know that I love you as a brother and you know that… you were always there for me and I am so sorry if I ever hurt you or made something wrong.

These last years with you were the best in my life.

You will always be my Kynchan. The only one that remembers my birthday and call me at midnight, the one that leaves me sleeping and goes out to buy chocolate…

I love you Kynchan! I want you in my life till the end!

And learn how to treat Gackt well… we’ll see him soon !

Am I able to say.... 15 days?





I think a new singer is about to be born....
Let's wait and see what happens ....

I am...

Simple. Complicated. Truthful. Sincere. Loveable. Hateful. Cheerful most of the time. Silly. Clumsy.


I like video games. Computers. Simple life. Trees. Cats. Dogs. Sloth (I don't know how to spell the plural form x_x). Languages. Music. Politics. Aliens. Quantic Physics. Magic. Singing (??)


I fear death. Abduction. Diseases. Losing friends, family. Shots (injections). Losing hearing. Losing my voice. Airplanes. Cockroaches.


I love Alex. My parents. My brother. My grandma and grandpa. Kaynan (Kynchan). Ryan. Alan. Justin. My cat (Yuichi). My dog (Eevee).


I don't know what to believe when it comes to Deities.


Will be adding more soon....

Sigh...
It's getting harder and harder to keep waiting.
I'm just so excited >_<
I need something to do, to waste my time with... Every time I pick a game it just won't work. It's pissing me off... But that won't make me go back to WoW.
Hmmm....
I woke up with this emptiness in my chest....don't know what is and why I'm feeling this way.
maybe its just the lack of activities, maybe I miss my family, maybe I'm sad because I can't be with Alex right now... who knows.
I gotta go do something else, otherwise I'll be depressed. =/

hmmm...18 days..18 days.
I'm dying already... >_<>_<

*goes berserk*


Yes.... berserk.. >_>!
Ok... I'll try to calm down and wait a little more...

I'm so sick...
damn you Alex >_<
Meh.. it's ok. Hopefully I'll be better when you get here x)

So...22 days! Yeah... It's actually going fast. I remember when it was... what?... 75? Ugh!
Anyway...
I'm gonna go finish that Lost dvd I couldn't watch last night xP

I love you Alex! =)
I'll keep thinking of you, as usual <3


Funny screenshot I found while looking through my WoW stuff.

hmm...
kore wa taidana hi deshita. Iroirona koto wa arimasen deshita...desukara, sabishikatta.
Demo, Arekusu ga watashi to koko ni imashita...watashi no itoshii hito da yo! ^_^
Hmm... tomodachi wo mou sarimashita...kinou ryoukou shimashita. =/
Ima wa totemo shizukani desu yo... sukoshi kowaii da... atashi no kokoro wa anmari hayakunai...demo...

wakaranai...
kigakuruu ni natteiru no...

jya....
mazumazu!








23 days!

Today was a day to remember...
Waiting for over 4 hours in line (standing!). Screams from people that were on the other side of the corner making me frustrated. Sometimes I would even scream because they were screaming.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, that tall, white and beautiful creature would appear among them and wave at us.
Well... that didn't happen, of course.
But after 4 hours of struggling, almost-peeing-my-pants, screaming and getting over excited, I finally got there. I entered the first door... it seemed Heaven.
I don't think I would have a camera stuck inside my pants and between my legs if I were in Heaven though. Details.... who cares about them?
I couldn't believe I was finally there!
After gathering with friends and people I met outside, I entered the second door. And I'm sure that meant there was no coming back. It was there. It was real. I... I was there!
Fifteen minutes later the lights turn off. I hear screams and more and more screams. Louder screams in my ear. I can't help it. I scream as well. My legs are shaking, breathing doesn't seem an option. I see lights, lots of lights in front of me...the suspense... the taiko drums... people screaming really loud. A minute, maybe two... A black flag falls and a white one appears.
People are getting over excited and the screams getting louder.
I could barely see a silhouette behind the white flag... taiko drums get stronger ... the white flag falls.....
My heart stops.


Purple, bluish, silver hair, white skin, fake blue eyes, tattoos and a guitar.
There he was... taunting us with his sexy look, taking his shirt off, almost kissing one of the band members... there he was... my Miyavi... our Miyavi!
Yellow underwear! Yes, I saw it... while he was hanging on a metal pillar. I saw a small part of his butt.

At the end, he wore a soccer t-shirt... Brasil's soccer team t-shirt. The yellow one and the other members were wearing the blue one. He said so many things in portuguese. How he loved Brasil and he was only here because of us. He also said some other stuff in english too. I don't know... but it took me some time to cry. But everything was in my mind... why I started listening to J-Rock, the afternoons Eiiri-chan and I spent talking about how hot those japanese guys were, my dreams at night, the letters we sent, the hope we kept...
We would always say: I wanna see his concert so badly, but it'll only happen when I go to Japan. It was surreal. Something that would never happen... and after all these years, it finally did. It happened. And I was there!
I couldn't stop shaping my hands as a heart. I know he likes it.
The last song was so beautiful "we love you...sekai wa kimi wo aishiteru"...

It was an awesome concert and I still don't feel as if it was real. Maybe I'll cry tomorrow when I wake up. I guess I'm back to 17 ! x)

I wish I could write more... but ... I can't explain. It's a very strange feeling that will keep all the thoughts I have right now in my mind. Maybe I'll share them later. =)




Countdown: 26 days =)

You can't post so I'm doing it for you!

42 days...


The weight of the world is getting heavier...

45? hmm.... 44!


YATTA!!!

I can't wait to feel the morning light warming the room...
To open my eyes and slide my hand down, feeling your arm around my waist...
To give you sweet daylight kisses...
My love, my everything...
A day without you seems like a year...

and without you, I'll be living in a lie.


countdown: 46 days

47!

ZOMG!!!

48? O_O
AMG!

52?? 51!!!



Hah!!! What to say about this?

53!




Because even the famous people have done something really ridiculous in the past!

54!!!




Are you ready to rock???

55!!!!

(No, I didn't forget about the 56, but my computer decided to die on me!)

57!



Araworlforloelwowlaoawlowlawoawworlaorrrghrr!!!

58!

59!

Ohne Dich (click to listen)

Ich werde in die Tannen gehen
(I'm going to go into the fir trees)
Dahin wo ich sie zuletzt gesehen
(There where I last saw her)
Doch der Abend wirft ein Tuch aufs Land
(But the evening is throwing a cloth upon the land)
und auf die Wege hinterm Waldesrand
(and upon the ways behind the edge of the forest)
Und der Wald er steht so schwarz und leer
(And the forest it is so black and empty)
Weh mir, oh weh
(Woe is me, oh woe)
Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr
(And the birds sing no more)


Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein
(Without you I cannot be)
Ohne dich
(without you)
Mit dir bin ich auch allein
(With you I am alone too)
Ohne dich
(Without you)
Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich
(Without you I count the hours without you)
Mit dir stehen die Sekunden
(With you the seconds stand still)
Lohnen nicht
(They aren't worth it)


Auf den Ästen in den Gräben
(On the branches in the ditches)
ist es nun still und ohne Leben
(it's now silent and without life)
Und das Atmen fällt mir ach so schwer
(And breathing becomes oh so hard for me)
Weh mir, oh weh
(Woe is me, oh woe)
Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr
(And the birds sing no more)


Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein
(Without you I cannot be)
Ohne dich
(without you)
Mit dir bin ich auch allein
(With you I am alone too)
Ohne dich
(Without you)
Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich
(Without you I count the hours without you)
Mit dir stehen die Sekunden
(With you the seconds stand still)
Lohnen nicht
(They aren't worth it)

I'll be shaving the kittens while you're at work... mwahahaha

BEFORE:


AFTER:

"...Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you..."



I wish I could write in words what I'm feeling right now...
It's a mix of love, angst, anger....
Maybe I am too tired to think.
I breathe deeply everytime I think of us together. But I also fall apart when I see the options diminishing right in front of me... like water escaping through my fingers.
I love you like I've never loved anyone else before...
And I'm willing to go through Hell for you. I'm willing to do anything... to give up on everything...
I need you close to me. I wonder at night if we'll ever be together. I wonder if it'll last forever and I really wouldn't mind if it did. In fact, I look forward to being with you for the rest of my life.
Circumstances make me cry and I try to look strong and never fall... you make me smile and that's what I hold on to...
My love, my life, my everything...

"(...)Believe in the resolute urgerncy of now, and if you believe there's not a chance tonight(...) the indescribable moments of your life tonight, the impossible is possible tonight"

I've been trying to do what I can to bring you closer to me and I know you're suffering too.
I see it day by day, night by night.
All the nights spent together, all the little, long, sweet, curious and marvelous talks. I'd give you all the time I have left in this world just to listen to your voice in my ear... I'd give up on everything to kiss your lips forever. Because... "time is never time at all" "the killer in me is the killer in you".

I think I will stop for now...
Oh, there are many things I want to say and just don't know how.
You're my everything....you're my everything...

I know this verse has nothing much to do with what I've written above, but everytime I see the scene I crave for you... Maybe it is the nostalgic mist upon Fangorn... I won't try to find rational reasons to explain why it makes me think of you... it just does...


"Beneath the roof of sleeping leaves and the dreams of trees unfold
When woodland halls are green and cool, and the wind is in the West
Come back to me. Come back to me, And say my land is best." - Treebeard (LOTR - TTT - Extended Version)

Million Voices (Click here to listen)


Ni ryari izuba, Rizagaruka, Hejuru yacu,
Ni nd' uzaricyeza ricyeza.

[When will the sun return above us?]
[Who will reveal it once again to us?]
-----------------------------------

Rwanda, Rwanda,
Yeah Rwanda, Rwanda.

They said: "Many are called and few are chosen,"
But I wish some wasn’t chosen
for the blood spilling of Rwanda.

They said: "Meshach, Shadrack and Abednego,
Thrown in the fire but you never get burned,"
but I wish that I didn't get burned in Rwanda.

They said: "The man is judged according to his works,"
so tell me Africa, what’s your worth?

There’s no money, no diamonds, no fortunes
on this planet that can replace Rwanda…

Rwanda Rwanda

Yeah, Rwanda Rwanda

These are the cry of the children

Rwanda Rwanda

Anybody hear my cry?

If America, is the United States of America,
Then why can’t Africa, be the United States of Africa?

And if England, is the United Kingdom,
Then why can’t Africa unite all the kingdoms
and become United Kingdom of Africa?

Rwanda Rwanda, Rwanda Rwanda
Yeah, yeah.

These are the cries of the children, yeah.

Can anybody out there hear our cries?

Yeah, heavens cry ... Jesus cry.

Lord, did you hear us calling you?
Yeah, Rwanda Rwanda,

Lord, did you hear us calling?
Can you do something in Rwanda?

Rwanda Rwanda, Rwanda Rwanda

I’m talkin' 'bout Jesus; talkin' 'bout
Rwanda Rwanda Rwanda

Talkin' 'bout … talk'n 'bout ...
Talkin' 'bout … talk'n 'bout ...

I wanna play my guitar for Rwanda....

No internet at home FTL.
No Alex on AIM FTL.
>_<
I guess today isn't a very good day.
Oh well...

So I'm moving today...hopefully I'll have internet over there when I arrive.
If I don't, it'll take a while to post something here again...




Alex,
I love you.

Dramatic (click here to listen)

Nakushita yakusoku wa hoshi ni
Send the lost promises to the stars
Omoide wa tokenai
My memories won't fade away
Yotsuba no kuroobaa sagashinagara
As we look for four-leaf clovers
Kimi no kao chirari to mitewa me o sorasu
I steal a glance at you but then divert my eye
Arekara dorekurai yoru o koetano?
How many nights have I passed since then?
Nigate na tokoro kara nigeteruno?
Will I just run away from this place that I hate?
Fuku o kigaete mado no soto o mitemiyo
Let me change my clothes and try looking out the window
Shinkokyuushite mieru keshiki wa chigau hazu dawa
Taking a deep breath and looking at the different scenery upon

Kowareta taisetsuna mono to itsuka mata aeru hi ga kuru kashira
Will the day come when I can see again the precious things that were broken?
Nokoshita kizuato ga kienai
My remaining scars won't disappear
Sorezore no basho made
I've got to get going
Mou ikanakuccha
Until I reach that place

Popura namiki dasenai mama no love letter
Unsent love letter, farewell at the grove
Nandomo te o furikaeshita wakaregiwa
On the brink of a breakup where I waved my hand several times
Osanai koro omoiegaiteta subete wa
Everything I imagined when I was young
Kanaerareta ka no yooni mieta noni
Appeared fulfilled to me
Yasashii ame wa furu watashitachi no ue ni
A gentle rain falls on us
Surechigau hito no kazu dake
The more people that pass by me
Doramachikku ni naruno
More dramatic life becomes

Nakushita yakusoku wa hoshi ni
Send the lost promises to the stars
Omoide wa tokenai de soba ni aru
My memories won't fade away and they're with me
Ima kokoro wa kiyoku hikaru
Now my heart shines purely
Namida de mienakunaru
Tears blur my vision
Sasayakana nagareboshi o hitotsubu
Because I'll put in the palm of your hand
Tenohira ni ageru kara
A modest shooting star

Kowareta taisetsuna mono to itsuka mata aeru hi ga kuru kashira
Will the day come when I can see again the precious things that were broken?
Nokoshita kuchidzuke ga kienai
The remaining kisses won't disappear
Sorezore no basho made
I've got to get going
Mou ikanakuccha
Until I reach that place

I'm not really into this celebrity world thing. When the news reach me is already too late ...
I didn't know Heath Ledger had died until this afternoon when I saw an ad on TV about a movie that was going to be presented in his memory.
He was a good actor. I enjoyed most of his movies and I think he'll always be remembered by those who cared about him, family, friends, fanatic girls and even those, like me, that don't know much about actors' lives but enjoy watching them doing their work.





Heathcliff Andrew Ledger
April 4, 1979 – January 22, 2008

I am craving for....

Godiva chocolate.
Long silken red dress.
Absynth.
Prada sunglasses.
Sashimi.
Wine.
Passionate kiss.
Sex on the beach.
White shirt.
Scotch kilt.
Long night of sex.
Alex. (It rhymes with sex! And no, I'm not trying to make words rhyme...)
Alex. (Again?)
Alex.


The desires of the flesh...
Hmm...
Not able to conclude my thought...
Maybe I got distracted by someone.

Malchik Gay (click here to listen)

Malchik Gay
Malchik Gay
Malchik, Malchik Gay
Malchik Gay, Malchik Gay
Malchik Gay, Malchik Gay
Malchik, Malchik

Handsome, tender, soft
Why do you look right through me thinking "NO"?
I can't deny my feelings growing strong
I try to keep believing, dreaming on
And everytime I see you, I crave more
I wanna pull you closer, closer, closer, closer
but You leave me feeling frozen

Malchik gay, Malchik Gay
I can be all you need
Won't you please stay with me?
Malchik gay, Malchik Gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay, Malchik Gay
Can't erase what i feel
Malchik Gay, Gay, Malchik Gay

Choking, back emotion
I try to keep on hoping for a way;
I reason for us both to come in close
I long for you to hold me like your boyfriend... does
And though my dream is slowly fading
I wanna be the object, object, object, object
of your passion but it's hopeless

Malchik gay, Malchik Gay
I can be all you need
Won't you please stay with me?
Malchik gay, Malchik Gay
Apologies, might-have-been's
Malchik gay, Malchik Gay
Can't erase what i feel
Malchik Gay, Gay, Malchik Gay

I don't know what's up with it but I have been waking up in the middle of erotic dreams.
Fortunately I'm not a guy, because it would be kind of awkward if someone entered my room and I had this ... well, you got the idea.

I'm actually feeling better today. My back doesn't hurt as bad, I can swallow things, I don't look as sick. I had to study but I don't feel like it... ugh. And I also don't feel like logging in WoW. I'm so tired of that game and people telling me what-and-what-not-to-do. I don't regret quitting, the thing is... I'm addicted to it and I wanna see new content, but I also wanna live real life. Even though my erotic dreams with Illidan will be over (I think we'll still do Black Temple and Hyjal but it won't be the same and NO!!! The erotic dreams I had in real life weren't about Illidan, please), I'd like to check Sunwell but meh... it won't happen.

I have more important things to think about now, such as finding a roommate as soon as possible. Hmm... I really don't feel like going to college right now but if I don't, I don't know what else I could possibly do. Maybe I'm just scared to face life again since I've been hiding from it the day I left Russia. Thinking about it, I guess it was more like the day I decided to go to Russia.
I'm so lost in my own life. When I think I'm sure of what I want, a few moments later it all shatters and I get stuck in zero again...
I wish I could hug you and get lost in your arms till it became a point of no return and I'd stay there forever...

I guess I'm going emo... should just stop thinking...and writting. I hate when I go emo.
I know what I'm gonna do! I'm going to watch the Extended version of LOTR for the 5th time this month! Yay for me and my nerdness or nerdiness, if you please.

*Listening to Radiohead. Where did all the Punk Rock go?*

Is there something better than watching bad things happen to people?

I woke up in a weird mood. Perhaps because I slept for too long and had too many dreams and I can't remember them but one. But it was so short ....
My cravings are getting stronger, I do not know for how long I can wait. I'm losing my mind, my heart...

For some reason I've been longing for Moscow. I don't know if I miss the city itself or just the good moments. The freedom of being able to do anything and everything. Maybe I just miss the cold and the snow. I miss my friend, who's actually one of my best friends. He was there when I was smiling, he was there when I was crying and we fought so many times.
I will never forget the day we decided to walk towards nowhere in the middle of the snow because someone said there was supposed to be a japanese restaurant there. We walked in the middle of the woods near a road for such a long time... we finally got to the place and it was closing! Then we went back to the snowy woods and found a pool bar... only drunk men in there so we went out and bought some vodka... *sigh* I will never forget that night. The craziest things happened that night, the craziest people. My memories are blurry for I was so drunk.
Agh! Moscow!

Раз-два-три! посмотри! пионери там идут...песни Ленину поют!




I like this song...

I have nothing to write tonight, I don't even know why I'm trying.
No ideas in my head right now... ugh, I feel so useless x_x
Ok, I'll talk about 300 because it was the movie I watched today.
I spent the day laughing at GIF's the movie. Some of them were funny, the others just not that much.
I was actually happy that a brazilian actor got a nice part in that movie (Xerxes - Rodrigo Santoro), it wasn't that great though. The character was strong but there was nothing remarkable about him...only being as tall as a Titan and having a syntetized voice.
When I looked at Dilios I was sure I knew that nose! I kept thinking and thinking and I got to the conclusion it was FARAMIR from LOTR (David Wenham), but he was so different.
Talking about LOTR, there are so many things about Tolkien's world I would like to know. A friend of mine was trying to teach me Quenya and Sindarin which made me interested but I don't know if I'll ever have the patience to learn it.
Something that got me really curious is when Aragorn is in front of the Black Gates of Mordor, Sauron calls for him as "Aragorn.....Elessar..." and I've never realized what Elessar was. Apparently it's an elvish stone in a light green color. Supposedly, there was no Elessar stone in Middle-Earth but Mithrandir (Gandalf) managed to bring one from the land of the elves as a gift to Galadriel, and he said that one day a man would appear, he would be known as Elessar and he'd change the world.
And I also found out that one of my favorite characters in LOTR is actually a creepy old guy that looks too nerdish in real life: The Mouth of Sauron is played by Bruce Spence.

Well, since I completely changed the subject since I started writting.... I guess I'll stop for the night.

Since the fatidical incident in my window, I've been researching about this UFO stuff. Will post what I find out...
Lots of videos and info, it's hard to discern what's real and what's not >_<

Anyway...

I miss talking to Alex =(

Sigh...
I wish I... meh... nevermind.

This week is strangely melancholic. Don't know how to explain.
Maybe I miss Alex more than I thought I would. Maybe I'm just immersed in deep thoughts.
For very few little seconds a death wish fades in and out.

**cell phone interrupts my thoughts and the sound of the classic guitar**

I feel there's so much awaiting for me but at the same time I'm so afraid to deal with it all. Great responsibility swings between the hammer-on and the facial expression.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I would write and say that I am tired of many things, but actually, I am not. I guess I learned that I shouldn't be very excited about the future. And that might be the reason why I am not even a little excited for what's about to come. For new experiences. Sometimes I feel like my soul is tired, even though I'm not doing anything.
Maybe it got tired of mankind, maybe it got tired of such poor intellect.
I am very sorry for people. Not saying I am better than they are. I just think we need to let go of this "we know everything" concept and accept that we have no idea of what happens in our enviroment. Governments hiding information, people killing each other, plagues spreading, ice melting, hunger growing, incurable diseases searching for new targets. We don't know anything at all.
The presumption of mankind can be killing someone close to you in this right moment. But what do we know? What can we do?
Fate can be changed if you're willing to change...

New Years was actually better than what I expected.
I got to hang out with a few old friends, laugh a lot and even call someone pretending I was a Dial-Sex employee. But it was a gay one...
Anyways...
I feel weird tonight. It seems that I try to push away everything that is good to me. Even though I don't want to. Can't really explain. I miss many things, many companions, many places... But I just miss them, I don't seem to have the courage to chase them again, to be with them again. It seems that all the energy I had saved in my body is now fading away. I don't feel like doing anything or even meeting new people which was the best thing for me in the past.
I do want to travel, but I guess that's just one more excuse to stay away and avoid the problems in my life.
I'm a coward. I keep running away from everything that would make me happy. I just sit and play all day instead of going out as I used to and having fun with my friends. In fact, do I still have friends? I have the feeling they found better companions and they are following the course of their lives. Maybe into happiness, maybe not. But they are sure doing something that will make them feel better. Me? What am I doing? Waiting for a divine intevention to fall off the sky and hit me in the head saying: CONGRATULATIONS! You have been chosen for this task! - and I will simply bow and say Oh my God! That's what I was waiting for!!!
I should just stop writting. For good.


Till next time...